It's been a rough seven days. In many ways this Sunday is no different from the last. I've spent most of the day lounging about my apartment watching television and banging away at my keyboard. However, today i've been doing a lot of thinking about what it means to miss something.
I've been looking at the same piece of sheet music all week, struggling to get my fingers follow the directions. I've been getting better but every now and then i miss a note. I know that it needs to be played but through some form of accidental omission or physical disposition i just don't hit it. It's this type of missing i can understand; a physical un-act. It's the other kind i'm having a hard time with.
I realized how many of the things that were so important to me are gone now. I can't believe that high school kids wont get to go though the Junior Achievement company program that i participated in as a kid. It changed my life and made me a better person. The Media Play on Alpine is now closed. I got my first job there when i was fifteen. It turned into a crappy store but to think that others wont have a change to find out just how true that is from the inside is disappointing somehow. My supervisor just accepted a promotion to a job in Houston. He was a source of great advice both professionally and personally; his absence will be traumatic. I wish my uncle hadn't died. And I wouldn't mind spending another blissful day with Kristi, Louisa, or Aimee. These are all things a miss, but this type of missing is all mental. Why must my mind choose to look back longingly rather than looking forward? How did i get trapped in this mental void? It doesn't make sense, it isn't rational, and that's why i have such a hard time with it.
If who we really are is what we think and feel, why do we have such little control over both. It's like some sort of cosmic prank. Maybe someday this will all make sense, but for now its a daily struggle.
So here i am again up late on a Sunday night. If history were to repeat itself i'd be getting a call in about thirty minutes that will make it difficult to sleep. Even if that doesn't happen, i thing i'll be staying up anyway to watch the next part of art:21. It looks like an episode i don't want to miss.
Posted by Matthew at October 19, 2003 09:58 PM